Little Miss Amanda

Amanda talks about losing her Mom to cancer, and I just have to say that I can relate to this story so much. When I was 15, I lost my Grandma to cancer, 3 days before Christmas. I too, could not cry because I was in a total shock that she had passed. To this day, I still find it hard to believe she’s “gone.” You’re not alone, Amanda. Losing a loved one is definitely one of the hardest things a person could go through, but I believe they are here with us no matter what. They are always watching over us and they’re applauding the accomplishments we are making along the way. -Erica

Some of you have saw my video for the Little Miss project 2 (below) and know that I lost my mom when I was 16, it has been 8 years and I still have trouble talking about her and her passing. I don’t talk about it with my family or friends really, I’ve just never felt I was strong enough. When I first heard the song Little Miss it really struck a chord with me and made me realize I would be alright and that I was loved. The line ‘Little miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about.’ is very much me, that line describes me perfectly. There’s so much about me that I don’t like to talk about and my mom’s passing was one of those things but after a week or two of debating and getting encouragement from my fellow Sugar fans like Robin and Kathie and Erica I decided to record a video. It took a few tries before I got out what I wanted to say but in the end I finally did and I posted the video. I received a lot of positive feedback on the video from my friends. I’m glad I did the video and I want to thank Erica for starting this project and helping those fans like me get up the courage to share their stories.

I wanted to take the time to write this blog and explain a little of of why I did this project. I did it to help to release some of the emotion I had stored up about my moms passing. It helped me to talk about it, it helped talking about it because I was able to say what I had kept bottled up all these years. Also I wanted to give a little more detail on my mom and her illness, she had Lymphoma a cancer in lymphatic cells of the immune system. It is a very hard to treat cancer and hard to beat. The first symptoms I remember her having were these ‘spells.’ she would get light headed and everything just sort of spun, it was like she was dizzy. She would get very scared and I remember several mornings when she would wake me up and ask me to come sit with her and hold her hand till she stopped being dizzy. She went to the doctor during the summer of 2002 and they found these spots on her brain after doing a cat scan I think and from there I don’t remember what else they found but she was diagnosed with Lymphoma. The chemo and radiation treatments were terrible, she was in the hospital a lot and even suffered a seizure here at home. I remember one time before the treatments started when they were trying to diagnose her and she came home after a test and they had put this dye in her system and it made her sick and she threw up on the kitchen floor and I remember I got so scared, I started shaking and crying and ran to my sister in law who hugged me. One of the saddest times I remember before treatments started was I was sitting in my room and the door was open and out of the corner of my eye I see my mom crawling on her hands and knees to the bathroom. I asked her what she was doing I she told me she was to dizzy to walk. During the treatments she was in the hospital a lot and I would go to see her and the pain medicines they gave her usually left her pretty out of it and I remember her always asking for ‘Wilma’ who is her sister and not once do I ever remember seeing my aunt Wilma at the hospital. It broke my heart to see my mom crying for Wilma and never getting to see her.

Sadly six months after my mom was diagnosed she passed away. It happened on December 23rd 2002, just two days before Christmas and the day after her birthday. I was staying at my oldest brothers house the night before it happened and it was very early in the morning I was sitting in the living room drinking a cup of coffee when the phone rang and my brother answered it, I don’t remember what he said but it was my dad who called. He took my sister in law aside and talked to her and she came back in the living room and sat next to me on the couch. She made me put my cup of coffee down and she looked at me and told me my dad had called and that my mom had died that morning. I was in complete shock, I didn’t cry, I couldn’t cry in front of them. I waited until I was alone in the shower and just lost it. I collapsed to the floor of the shower just sobbing while the water poured down on me. I cried and cried till I couldn’t breathe anymore. I didn’t want to do anything but go home, I remember when I got home I called my best friend and I could barely even speak when I told her my mom had passed away. I don’t remember much about the days after my mom passed away, I was in so much shock. I couldn’t believe she was gone and I still can’t believe she’s gone. I would give anything to have my mom back, I would give anything to be able to hug her again and tell her I love her. I miss her terribly and it makes me cry when I think about all the things she’s missed in my life like my first prom, my first real boyfriend, my graduation from high school, going to college and she won’t be there when I get married, she won’t be the one to help me get ready, she won’t be there to see me have my first child. There’s so much I want to tell her, so much I want her advice on. I wish my mom was still alive today, those of you who still have your mom are very lucky. The phrase ‘You don’t know what you have till it’s gone.’ is very true, don’t take anything especially your loved ones for granted because you don’t realize just how lucky you are to have them until they are gone.

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One thought on “Little Miss Amanda

  1. First of all, I am so sorry for your loss, Amanda. I have lost two grandparents, one when I was really old enough to miss them, and it was terrible, but I can’t imagine how sad it is to lose a parent so I won’t tell you “I know how you feel” because I don’t. Second, I am so glad that you are now being able to open up about your feelings and express them to people that care. I know in the long run it will be very therapeutic for you. I wish you all the best, and I hope that your openess will bring new, positive facets to your life. 🙂

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